It has been awhile since I have written. Anything, anywhere. Typically my journal cycle goes like this: write 2-3 days in a row spewing my frustrations then thankfulness that the Lord holds me up every time. Next entry date: 1 month later. Same garbage. I suppose it may be a bit harsh to label it as garbage, but reading back through some of my writing it is hard to not feel this way. How in the world have I managed to live in a cycle of such fickle wanderings? One day I am here, the next I am there. One day I long for my Lord, the next I am fine and dandy doing life on my own. It sickens me to see the reality of my heart! A few weeks ago I was asked what single quality do you admire most in others. Consistency. That is my answer. I admire those who can live a life of consistent faithfulness to the Lord, because I simply have not been able to do so. But oh how I long to! There are some who I am sure view my wanderings from afar and think I am a hypocrite. Well my friends, here it goes…I am one. I am a hypocrite to the fullest extent. One day I am seeking after my Father with a fierce intensity that it may scare people. I encourage others to do the same. At times I drag them with me. Then other times I sit back and become consumed by my life. I become consumed with MY plans and MY future. I become consumed with justice in silly matters that mean NOTHING when it comes to eternity or my sweet Jesus. I become consumed with the hardships that I face and wonder why God chose ME to walk through fire. I become consumed with fear, which is the result of believing so many lies. This fear literally paralyzes me some days. All in all, I become one large, hypocritical mess. Tears and snot both flowing down my face as I lament, question, then turn to chastising myself for being so inadequate. See below (transparency brings freedom).
Insert more insecurities and lies. Then there is a quiet voice that says, “turn to Jesus. More than anything He wants you near to Him.” I know this voice to be the Holy Spirit. I know it to be a voice that is more than trustworthy. Yet something ugly begins to churn inside of me when I hear Him call. Anger and pride well up, fighting with all they have to keep me from the shelter of my amazing God. During such times I am more than tempted to hide. Hide from my God and hide from those who would push me towards Him. I hide behind smiles and jokes and my busy schedule. But today is not such a time. Today is a day when I claim my freedom. A day when I say “enough” to the lies, emotions, and demons that violently tear me away from my Refuge. Today is a day when I am okay with exposing my flaws, that I may walk fully in the light of Him who lavishes His love on me. I do so because it is simply so much better this way, friends. I urge you to be okay with your failings. Not so you can fail again, but so you don’t have to. Be okay with the reality of brokenness and our complete inability to fix ourselves. Be okay with desperately needing an Almighty God. I believe this is where consistency begins. Consistently acknowledging our need will lead us to the One who satisfies every need. The One who silences the lies and violently tears the demons from in between Him and His beloved. Oh, to be loved by this great Maker in the midst of my great mess. Nothing compares. Absolutely nothing.
|No more hiding. Delight in me Oh Lord.|