Surrender

Since the last post- I have been really struggling to trust God as He leads me in His way. Honesty is hard. There will be nothing eloquent about this post, just real-life stuff and growing pains. If you want to be “wowed” by some sweet writing, I suggest visiting the site of someone who gets paid to write their blog. My life is messy sometimes, so my writing will be too. 

I spent last week in Atlanta with a community called Church on the Street. The two weeks before the mission trip I spent tied up in anxiety and worry. I was gripped by the fear of the weight of my choices and dreams. Am I doing the right thing? Am I ever going to live my dream of going back to Uganda? What does God require of me, right now? My mind was spinning out of control and dragging people I love down with it. I sat alone at my desk at 1 in the morning on the day I would be leaving for Atlanta. I cried out and prayed asking “Lord, what do you require of me?” I opened my Bible and a piece of paper fell out. It was a devotional that someone had given me. The first two sentences were unlined and read “Follow me one step at a time. That is all I require of you.” I laughed through my tears, “Fine, God. Okay. I hear you.” That was the beginning of God getting my attention last week. I spent the week with an amazing team. I experienced community in a way I never have before. No conditions, no expectations, just loving one another and seeking Christ’s face. I have many stories I could share. However, I think I will just give a list of realizations and if someone wants a back story, just ask :)

1.      I realized that I haven’t wanted community. I have only wanted community on my terms which most often consists of people being an arm’s length away from my mess while I am knee-deep in theirs. I have only wanted to give of myself when it is the least inconvenient and flatters my strengths. Community is hard, and I haven’t wanted it. I want to want it. 

2.       I realized that I cannot love God without loving His Church and being part of the community He has placed me in on HIS terms. It is that simple. I cannot love God without loving His people on His terms. 

3.       I realized that Africa has a huge place in my heart, but may not be what God is immediately calling me to. He allowed me to live that dream this past May after 4 years of prayer. He was faithful. Now He wants me to trust Him with where He is leading me without arguing about where exactly that is. 

4.       I realized that I say I want to know God quite often. He told me this past week that if I really want to know Him, there is no reason I don’t. He gave me His word. He gave me His Spirit. What am I waiting for? 

All of these things came from specific conversations and interactions. These realizations helped me to understand why I have been so anxious and worried. I have been gripping my life so tightly that I have been quenching the Spirit. I have been so concerned about MY dreams, MY future, MY well-being. My selfishness has been screaming inside of me with each realization made. My old self is not dying without a fight. At the end of the day I have one dream and one goal: I want my life to be a vibrant example of Christ no matter where I go or who I am with. I want to really know my God. This means whether I am in Uganda or Michigan or Ohio or wherever else, my heart can be at home in seeking Him always. My life is not turning out like I thought it would, it is much messier and doesn’t look like a one-way ticket to Africa just yet. But it also looks a bit like redemption, reconciliation, and sanctification. God is making me new and He is making my plans new. Surrendering myself is much more challenging than I had hoped, but I am finding joy in knowing my Lord better because of it. He is faithful.

::By His Grace & For His Glory::

This Way...

As I lay down to sleep each night I always hope that tonight will be the night I fall right to sleep. It never is. I am a deep thinker and always have been, but at night it plagues me. It takes me at least a half hour every night to quiet my brain. Sometimes the thoughts are frivolous and whimsical. Most nights, however, my thoughts wander through the trenches of the past and attempt to wade upstream to the future. There is much to be said about these things, there are sayings and bits of wisdom that would tell me my thoughts don’t belong in either of those realms. While this may be true- you would be hard pressed to find someone my age who is not in the same spot. I am not necessarily worried, sometimes I am, but not usually. I just think about these things so much. Most often I am looking to my future and thinking about my passions. I ask God where He wants me and how He wants me to get there, in response I am almost certain He just shakes His head and laughs saying for the thousandth time “just follow me, Daughter.” I feel as though He must think I am so foolish sometimes.

He's Faithful to the End

Today is a day when I LONG for my Lord to come back for me. I spend most of my days wrapped up in my life. I jet from place to place and wish for more time. Because I simply don't have time to do everything I need to. Or maybe want to. I think about my future, I replay situations over and over again in my head trying to make sure I did things the "right" way, I go and I go and I go....

Then things come to a crashing halt.

What am I living for?

The question invades my mind and heart. Instantly I am brought to my knees wondering how I have overlooked my sweet Jesus. I don't feel fulfilled and my heart aches because I look to my obligations and my relationships to fill needs that only Jesus can take care of. A person cannot replace the love of God. They most certainly can manifest it- but they absolutely cannot replace it. I am so tired of forgetting or downplaying what the Lord has done for me. I live as if all there is is exactly what I see. And that is such a lie.


I am learning so much about my Lord in these stretching and painful times of restlessness, forgetting then remembering, and feeling far from everyone around me. What is on my heart about my Abba today is that He is faithful even when I don't choose Him, even when I forget.

We're Built For More Than This World

So just over a month ago I started this thing. Obviously I haven't made much progress with it. That means one of two things: either life is crazy busy or I am lazy. It's actually both. Life is crazy busy so when it isn't I take the glorious opportunity to be lazy. Today I am worn out. I have been playing soccer for a month (3 a days, then 2 a days, now finally just one a day practices! woo!), then last week Student Government started up. Running back and forth between meetings with coaches, advisers, peers, staff has made me a tired woman! In the midst of me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, God showed up. Isn't it funny how we are always shocked by Him? Why am I surprised every time I see His face? Golly this gal needs more faith. Anyway, He showed up in the way He most often does. In His people.

Here goes nothin...

I'm a blogger? I suppose I am now. I have always had sort of an anti-blog stance. I don't think I have very important things to say most of the time. Sometimes I just ramble, other times (these occasions are rare) something semi-profound will flow out of my fingertips and through the keyboard. It's hit and miss really, and I am writing to no one in particular. So if you're reading this, you may or may not walk away with something of value. I'd like to think of this blog as a step towards more transparency as I walk this journey of faith.