As I lay down to sleep each night I always hope that tonight will be the night I fall right to sleep. It never is. I am a deep thinker and always have been, but at night it plagues me. It takes me at least a half hour every night to quiet my brain. Sometimes the thoughts are frivolous and whimsical. Most nights, however, my thoughts wander through the trenches of the past and attempt to wade upstream to the future. There is much to be said about these things, there are sayings and bits of wisdom that would tell me my thoughts don’t belong in either of those realms. While this may be true- you would be hard pressed to find someone my age who is not in the same spot. I am not necessarily worried, sometimes I am, but not usually. I just think about these things so much. Most often I am looking to my future and thinking about my passions. I ask God where He wants me and how He wants me to get there, in response I am almost certain He just shakes His head and laughs saying for the thousandth time “just follow me, Daughter.” I feel as though He must think I am so foolish sometimes.
I am like a toddler who loves surprises, but simply cannot sit still until I know exactly what the surprise is. I keep asking my Daddy, “Are we there yet? How about now? Where are we going?“ Ironically enough, I can remember my earthly father responding to the “where are we going?” with a frustratingly simple, “this way.” While I would laugh and whine at his response, it always seemed to calm me because I trust my father. I knew we would always end up somewhere good, even if I didn’t recognize the way. Things aren’t much different now. I wonder and ask and poke and tug at God trying to figure out where He is leading. All the while He is chuckling and saying calmly “This way, Hannah. We are going this way.“ My heavenly Abba has given me passions and experiences to fuel them. He has also given me people to love. And He is not done with me. He is leading me. If you ask me where to, I now plan to reply “this way”. Wanna know what this way looks like? A rugged road leading to a rugged cross leading to the gates of glory. That should be all I need to know, because I most certainly do not recognize the way. It is not my own. It is not easy for me to accept this, but I long to continue following my Father as He calmly leads me in the this way…. HIS way.